The Heart-Shaped Hole
by LightontheSeaofSorrow
Summary: How did Sherlock cope with the wedding – the loss – of his best friend whose true value he came to realize too late, only after the inner revelations during his own Best Man's speech? The answer is (as we know from the beginning of His Last Vow): he didn't. Johnlock (of the unrequited kind); two chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **How did Sherlock cope with the wedding – the loss – of his best friend whose true value he came to realize too late, only after the inner revelations during his own Best Man's speech? The answer is (as we know from the beginning of _His Last Vow_): he didn't.

Johnlock (of the unrequited kind); two chapters.

**Author's Note: **In its initial form, I intended this little poem to be the Prologue to a longer HLV based story I'm trying to write (and really wish I'll be able to post one day). But instead this baby just kept growing and growing and demanded to be published on its own. So here it is, before the length gets totally out of hand. I hope you give it a go, even if it is a poem.

And if you have no idea what revelations I'm talking about, I suggest checking out the brilliant "What is Love Anyway? or How Sherlock Holmes Deduced Himself into Love" by loudest-subtext-in-television (found on Tumblr). It's all there!

* * *

**Chapter 1: Out**

When innocent May was in expectant bloom

I fought The Battle of The Best Man

I encountered two mysteries of the locked room

And cracked them, as only I can

* * *

After they were wedded as husband and wife

I prevented one delayed action stabbing

I solved the case, he saved the life

– All the while I kept on blabbing

* * *

I improvised the speech, my long love letter

And although it wasn't quite the goal

In trying to be his Best Friend (and better)

I revealed – and lost – my heart and soul

* * *

Did I say "murder"? I meant to say "marriage"

– I may be slipping and only Freud would know how

The picture isn't whole yet (where is the missing carriage?)

But marriage _is_ murder and it's killing me now

* * *

If anyone asks me, I will happily tweet

"Oh what a night for all who were there!"

But inside my mind I'll beat a hasty retreat

From the things I just cannot bear

* * *

The flowers, the lights, the dance and the song

– A chaos of sight, sound and scent

Just watching the scene where I don't belong

Nerves and energy utterly spent

* * *

After The Waltz and my last vow

I'll abandon the joyous throng

Would have loved to dance but I can't see how

When everything seems so wrong

* * *

I lost the battle in the final act

Now it's time for my last impressions

Believe it or not, I have enough tact

To make no more shameful confessions

* * *

But watching those two just dance away

The beaming bride and the groom

Makes it impossible for me to stay

My head spinning with confusion and gloom

* * *

All my duties are done, nothing more left to see

– How it all became clear in a flash!

One final deduction, reserved for me

Then I'm heading for the post-case crash

* * *

Reconciling "Man" and "Friend" and "Best"

Now that all is said and done

Feels like a hole ripping through my chest

He's married – I'm woebegone

* * *

What will be left of me tomorrow?

The hole was crafted with such precision

I guess I deserve the loneliness and sorrow

As I couldn't make the right decision

* * *

So I turn to leave before my anxiety grows

No one tells me to stop and wait

Why should they care, no one else even knows

That my revelations came too late

* * *

When he first came along, why didn't I see

He was holding the missing part?

He unlocked the door, to the core of me

The impenetrable chamber of my heart

* * *

He's as vital as blood, as essential as air

Always keeping me on the right track

But now that he's with her, and the baby is there

How could I ever get him back?

* * *

Don't pick up the pieces, just let them be

Give him up without a fight

Lock the empty room, throw away the key

And disappear into the night


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: In**

When the spotlight fades and the curtain falls

I can still wear the smile and keep faking

I step into the night, as true nature calls

And ignore that my heart is breaking

* * *

Leave behind the thrill, the chase and the friend

With an abnormal taste for danger

Back into the darkness, away from the light

Slip away from my brother's minion –

* * *

Alone at the station, at the long journey's end

Approach me, you promising stranger

Be the merchant ship passing me in the night

And bring me my sweet oblivion

* * *

Push down the plunger (_oh the blissful sting!_)

And let's pretend happy ending

Sweep away all the pain, bring the snow down in spring

And cover what's beyond all mending

* * *

Like the heart-shaped hole, still in my side

Close to where he used to stand

Or the fears and the needs and the truth and the lies

(The muddied hurt of our tangled skeins –)

* * *

I can run from it all but I cannot hide

From the things I _feel_ but don't understand

I can turn my back and close my eyes

But I'm bleeding out, leaving heart-shaped stains

* * *

– Still:

I'll pretend that the guilt and the jealous dreams

Will not close in for the kill

Or the heat in my head, coming apart at the seams

Are only effects of this re-found thrill

* * *

Or the ice through my veins, filling me with the rush

Could save me from the loss of blood

Or the strange growing things deep down – hush hush!

Could still be nipped in the bud

* * *

I'll keep walking on, still embracing my lies

And forget the heart-shaped hole

I know what it means, but I'll close my eyes

And believe it won't swallow me whole

* * *

Bravely put up the collar on my coat

And forget how everything swirled

How the air escaped, constricting my throat

No more you and me against the world –

* * *

I _know_ I can't deny what I feel

Until the world stops turning

And that shutting out what is real

Won't protect my heart from burning

* * *

– But:

What more could I do, what else could I say?

Heartache is bad for thinking

So I'll try to move on, there's no other way

Than pretend that my world isn't sinking

* * *

The irony is, I _can _finally see

That love is higher than reason

To prove it to him, who knows where I'll be

Dead? Exiled? Or tried for treason?

* * *

But no matter what happens, I have made my vow

To which I'm bound until I breathe my last

Even if it hurts, can't fail him now

Must somehow redeem the past

* * *

So even though I feel like letting go

There's a promise for me to keep

There are still other things to do and show

Even if I am in too deep

* * *

With the fire in my head, with the snow in my veins

And the heart-shaped hole in my chest

Despite all the questions and growing pains

I _have_ promised to do my best

* * *

I'll ignore all the doubts running through my brain

There's no time for bitter interventions

Keep them happy and safe, and myself still sane

– The road to hell is paved with good intentions


End file.
